Is your refrigerator running?
by HelveticaBrown
Summary: College AU in which Emma channels her jealousy of Robin and Regina's relationship in an entirely ridiculous way and Regina is just as silly as Emma. Contains some Outlaw Queen, but not really: this is all about two idiots in love. Written for Day 2 of Swan Queen Week Summer 2015: Jealousy Previously published on AO3


She could hear the sleepiness in his voice when he answered the phone.

"What? Emma? It's two o'clock in the morning."

 _Fuck. How did he know it was her?_ Emma panicked as she realised she must have forgotten to switch off her caller ID and tried to think of what to say. "Uhh…"

"Emma, are you okay? Is Regina okay? What's going on?"

"Nothing."

She heard him sigh. "Okay. That's good. I'll call you in the morning."

"No, don't worry about it Robin. I must have called you by accident."

She hung up and lay in bed wondering about the consequences of her rookie error. The campaign of prank calls had started at Killian's suggestion. It was the sort of idea that seemed really clever at the time, the time being two o'clock in the morning after far more alcohol than a woman of her height and weight should reasonably have attempted to ingest. She'd been miserable about Regina dating Robin and it was supposed to be one stupid drunken call to make her laugh, make her feel a little bit better. But then she'd kept going and it had turned into prank calls two or three times a week for the last few months. She'd pretty much made it through the entire Bart Simpson playbook in that time. And then Robin had broken up with Regina a month ago, leaving Regina heartbroken and refusing to talk to Emma. In response, she'd escalated the campaign, furious at Robin for hurting Regina.

Emma walked into the café and searched for Robin. He'd insisted that she meet him for breakfast, and she felt just guilty enough to agree. She spotted him and made her way over to the table.

Robin gestured to her to sit down. "Good morning, Emma. I hope you slept well, because I certainly didn't."

"Sorry. I accidentally hit the call button when I was looking at my text messages." That had been the best she'd been able to come up with and she wasn't really expecting it to work. She wasn't at all surprised when Robin's response indicated that he was entirely unconvinced.

"I think we both know that's not true. I know that you're the one who has been prank calling me for the last few months." His voice was gentle, and his eyes were kind, the hint of a smile crinkling them at the edges. "I've been doing some thinking, and I'm almost certain that I understand what's going on now. This is about Regina, right? About you and her?"

He was just so damn handsome and nice and British, sometimes Emma wanted to punch him in the face. Except for the bit where he was so damn nice that he'd probably just apologise for running into her fist with his face. She couldn't understand what Regina saw in him. Except that she actually kind of could, and that just pissed her off more. Right now, he was looking at her with sympathy, and she found it really difficult to hate him, as much as she wanted to.

Emma sighed. The jig was definitely up. She thought about denying it, but she knew she wouldn't be fooling either of them. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I just didn't know how to deal with you and Regina being together."

"I'm inclined to forgive you." He smiled. "I find that I'm feeling rather kindly disposed towards you since you reunited me with my beautiful Marian."

Emma felt sick as he spoke about Marian, a tangled mass of confusion gnawing at her as she thought about her role in their reunion. She'd just been trying to be nice to a new colleague, Marian having recently moved to town and not knowing anyone. Or so she'd thought, when she'd taken her to a house party that Robin and Regina just happened to be attending. The universe really had the most incredible way of fucking with her life; how was she supposed to know that Marian and Robin had been high school sweethearts back in England, separated by the capricious whims of fate?

Initially she'd felt a certain triumph at removing a competitor for Regina's attention, however unintentional it had been, but it had quickly metamorphosed into guilt as she saw how unhappy Regina was. And then Regina had completely frozen her out and Emma wondered if maybe it would have been better that she was still with Robin, because at least then they'd still talk occasionally.

"I don't know if I can forgive you for hurting Regina." For all that it had hurt her to see them together, she realised that she'd rather see Regina happy with Robin than miserable without him.

He started to respond, but broke off, looking at a point behind Emma's shoulder. He smiled and said, "Ahh, Regina. So pleased you could make it."

Emma didn't turn around, but she could picture the look on Regina's face. Certainly, her tone of voice left Emma with no doubts that Regina was furious.

"Robin, what the hell is this?"

"This is what I believe is commonly referred to as breakfast. I was given to understand that you Americans also partook of this strange, daily ritual."

"Robin…"

Emma had always been impressed with the way that Regina could evoke a sense of fear with the most subtle vocal inflection. Regina was tiny and shouldn't have been the least bit intimidating, but Emma had watched her strike terror into the heart of a tenured professor who'd made a sexist joke in class when they'd been in freshman year. That had been the moment when she'd decided that she wanted to marry Regina Mills and they hadn't even spoken yet. A group assignment the following year had finally given her the chance to meet her. Regina had spent almost the entire time insulting her, and Emma had been quietly devastated at the shattering of all her hopes and dreams, until she realised that that was just the way Regina engaged. She'd eventually come to recognise the strange affection that underpinned most of her comments, and when she'd shared her notes from Professor Gold's notoriously difficult class with Regina, their friendship had been cemented.

Robin was apparently unmoved by the threat in Regina's voice, also obviously accustomed to her idiosyncratic way of communicating. He sighed, serious for a moment. "Sit down, Regina. You owe me."

Emma looked intently at the table, trying not to turn and stare as Regina sat down. Her self-control wasn't quite enough to keep her from sneaking a quick glance and she felt that familiar combination of nervous excitement, want and misery twist her stomach in knots. Robin smiled at them both, and Emma wanted nothing more than to slap the self-congratulatory look off the scheming bastard's face. This was no coincidence; Robin definitely knew what he was doing. She silently fumed at the set-up.

"I'm glad you're both here, ladies, because you have an awful lot to talk about." He looked at Emma. "You should ask Regina about when we broke up. Don't let her feed you the official story; ask her about when we _really_ broke up." He turned to Regina. "And you should ask Emma about her months-long campaign of harassment in the form of prank calls."

Emma and Regina both sat in silence, glaring at him. He grinned, completely unperturbed. "Is your refrigerator running? I think that was my favourite." He stood up. "You two are crazy enough to deserve each other, so I'll leave you to it." He paused, a couple of steps away from the table. "And I'd better hear that you've sorted things out, or else I'll have to lock you in a room until you do."

After Robin left, they continued to sit in awkward silence, looking anywhere but at each other. Regina studied the menu as though it held the secrets of the universe, while Emma built a series of increasingly elaborate structures out of the sugar packets on the table. A waitress finally came and took their orders removing Regina's pretext for ignoring her.

Emma cleared her throat and Regina looked at her, irritation flickering across her face. "Can we please talk? We're here, so we might as well." Regina continued to look at her silently and Emma ran her hands through her hair, nervous. "I wish you'd let me apologise for what happened with Robin and Marian. It kills me that you've been hurting because of something I did."

Regina snapped at her, "Somehow, I doubt that you've been dwelling on it too much, busy as you are with that wannabe glam rocker."

Emma looked at her in confusion. "What?"

"You and Killian. You've seemed pretty cosy since Spring Fling. I saw you leave together that night."

Emma shook her head. "Killian's fun, but he's all talk. Yeah, we've flirted a bit, but flirting is kind of like breathing for him. You know, he hit on at least five other people at that party, including you, Ruby and David." Emma saw the flicker of surprise cross Regina's face. "He was interested, I wasn't. He managed to convince me to go to another party; we hung out for a little while and then I ditched him."

"And what about after Ruby's party? You were definitely together then."

"Ugh. I'd rather forget that." Emma pulled a face. It hadn't been one of her finest moments. "I went home with him. We kissed once, and then I vomited in his shoe and spent the next hour crying about you and Robin. He slept on the floor."

Regina had a stricken look on her face. "But I thought… It seemed like… I just assumed you were dating. You've spent so much time together recently."

Emma laughed incredulously. "Killian and I dating? Give me some credit. It took an awful lot of alcohol and misery for me to even think about going there and even then I still had too much self-respect. He makes me laugh though, and I've kind of needed that recently."

"What did you mean when you said you'd been crying about me and Robin? Do you have feelings for him?" Regina looked at her intently, a frown forming.

She hadn't intended to admit to that, and she'd hoped that Regina wouldn't pick up on her slip of the tongue, but Emma found that it was actually something of a relief to have the truth out there. Or almost out there. _Here goes nothing_. "Not for Robin." She held Regina's gaze, watching as understanding blossomed in her eyes.

"Oh."

"I was so jealous when you started seeing Robin. I wanted it to be me that you fell for." She grimaced and looked down at the table. "I'm sorry for burdening you with this." Emma closed her eyes, letting the background hum of conversation and the clinking of cutlery wash over her. "I know it's stupid. You're so far out of my league."

"How dare you." Emma's eyes snapped open at the familiar note of fury in Regina's voice.

"I'm sorry." Emma swallowed, trying to maintain control that she was only a hair's breadth from losing. She could feel tears begin to prick at her eyes; apparently she'd been right to keep her feelings a secret.

"How dare you write yourself off that way, Emma? How dare you assume that I would be so shallow?" Regina shook her head. "Why didn't you say something? I wish you'd told me." She reached over and took Emma's hand in hers and her voice softened. "I wish we hadn't wasted all this time and energy on heartache."

It was Emma's turn to be confused.

"I went on two dates with Robin and it was only because I was miserable at the thought of you and Killian being together." She smiled. "Robin realised almost immediately that my heart wasn't in it."

"But you were dating for months." Emma frowned as she thought back over the past few months, trying to identify any clues she'd missed, but she couldn't think of any.

Regina shook her head. "No. I just let everyone think that and I convinced Robin to play along. We're friends, nothing more. And you seemed to be so happy with Killian, I didn't want you to know how unhappy I was." She looked down at their hands, still joined together. "I secretly hoped that you'd be jealous, but I didn't think it would actually work."

"But you were furious when I brought Marian to that party."

"I was furious that my cover had been blown and I was worried that you'd see straight through me." She smiled wryly. "You've always been a little too good at reading me."

"Regina, please don't take this the wrong way, but for someone so smart, that was an incredibly stupid plan."

Regina glared at her, before softening. "You're right. It really was."

"I still like you though, even if your approach to relationships does appear to be inspired by bad teen movies."

Regina scoffed. "You can hardly talk. You spent the last few months prank-calling my fake boyfriend."

They grinned at each other, suddenly aware of just how ridiculous the whole situation was.

"Robin's right. We really are just crazy enough for each other." Emma leaned over and kissed Regina softly, before breaking the kiss to smile at her again. "You know, we really should talk more."

Regina's lips curved into a smile that made Emma's stomach do backflips. "But what if I don't want to waste any more time on talk right now?" Regina leaned forward until there was only the tiniest margin separating their lips.

"Then we don't have to talk," Emma breathed, before closing the gap.


End file.
